I guess stapling a seahorse to your shorts doesn’t count as being super into animal prints.
"This Tastes Like Fingernails" -A Cookbook
If you’re like me, you’ve probably been convicted of sexual harassment multiple times and LOVE to cook!!!!! I wanted to share a couple of my most sacred recipes that I’ve concocted all by myself.
Chicken Poodle Soup -Made of 16% real poodles!
You’re going to need a huge pot… like big enough to put a dog in. Also, a stove/hot-plate.
- 1 can of Campbell’s “Chicken Noodle Soup”
- I think some water
- 2 dead poodles, TIP: Make sure they are really dead and not just sleeping or you’re going to have some angry poodles on your hands.
- Bring to a boil for about 22 min. or whenever you’re done planning your dog funeral and serve immediately.
Pumpkin Pie -It’s basically the nice aftermath of a pumpkin abortion.
- 3 pumpkins (duh!)
- 1 pie crust… Go to the store. Steal it, pay for it. I don’t care. You just need it!!!
- 1 garden shovel. This is to gut out your pumpkins future babies, because that’s the slimy stuff that makes the pie. I personally leave the pumpkin seeds in, so I can pay tribute to all the babies that died for my pie (just like Jesus).
- Put all that crap together and add some sugar. Bake for the length of an episode of “Gilmore Girls”.
- Let it cool down for 15 min. and then put the entire thing in the trash because I made this when I was super drunk and let me tell you, it was puke-city.
Chicken Parm -Three words: Salmonella, Salmonella, Salmonella!!
- 1lb of Parmesan cheese
- 2 bottles of Merlot
- Half eaten box of cookies
- Ok, I’ll be honest I don’t know how to make Chicken Parm. Usually, I just eat all the Parmesan cheese, get sick, drink the wine to feel better, and then have a night cap of cookies.
Remember, anyone can cook. DO NOT let someone stand in your way by saying things like “Safety first, blah blah blah, I can’t sell you these kitchen sheers, blah blah blah, I’ve never seen someone that drunk before 11am before”.