Cranappleberry

     Chapter 1: The Day Ryan Broke Up With Me Because

     ”I Smelled Too Much Like Gasoline” 

 There comes a time in every attractive, heartburn survivors life when you have to pack it all up and move away to follow your dreams of being a full-time Belieber. If you dont know what a Belieber is then a) you were sold into white slavery a really long time ago and you dont even know what the New York Times or TigerBeat magazine is. b) you’re a puppy.

 Listen, I’m as open minded as the next person so I can forgive either one or in some cases I can forgive both (if you’re a puppy and you’re reading this right now I already forgive you, also I’m renaming you Chester). Anyway Chester, I have to move because if I don’t follow my dreams someday I will wake up on the wrong side of 15 and not even know what I’m going to do with the rest of my life or this limited handmade Justin Bieber doll collection.

 Now, most people do not think I can move out by myself, they think because of my ailments I wont be able to “hack it” or “survive” or “breath”. Here are some of the conditions that haunt me on a daily basis:

-Unsanitary Anorexia

-Chronic Distracted Eye Contact (CDEC)

-Adolescent Possum Stress

-Seasonal AIDS

-Casual Pregnancies

 I know what you’re thinking Chester, “Oh jeez, she’s never going to make it… but at the same time I cant believe how much I can relate to her.” First, Thank you. Second, I get that all the time. I’m going to be just fine, DO NOT EVEN THINK about worrying about me. After my Quinceañera and popping that ole’ hymen out I became a woman. A woman that can take care of herself in this crazy organized world.

Stay tuned for Chapter 2: You Call That Semen?!?

It’s easier than you would think to get kicked out of a book club.

Like everyone in the world, I’m so sick of amateur Fashion Blogs and getting ripped off at Lane Bryant for using the underwear as “throw up” purses. With that being said, here you will get to know the latest runway trends without all the judgement or “class” that Teen Vogue brings… 

Here are some erecting ideas for completing any Fall Collection:

Going out on the town to your step-daughters third bachelorette party?

-Start with a healthy application of “Special Victims Unit Red” lipstick.

-Make sure you pick a dress that makes you look like you just ate too much cheese (for extra SEXY factor).

-Drape silk scarf, that you stole from your local Baby Gap, to add that AppleBees flare (that everyone loves!) to top off the outfit.

*Add baked potato skins as an adorable hair accessory to show how unique your personality is!

Going out to lunch with your Grandmother and/or trying to get pregnant by a stranger?

-First find a tube top that says “I’m not slutty” but also says “I know how to play the accidentally nip slip game” (Not to name drop, but I heard Tyra Banks say that in Season 3 of Americas Next Top Model)

-The most important part of the top is the color, this season its all about “Cotton Candy Pinks” and “Boones Farm Depression Purples”.

-Pair this outfit with some Ed Hardy perfume by Christian Audigier, it gives you a subtle/seductive way to express how much you love anal.

Just remember ANY outfit can go from “oh no!” to “oh wow!” with a couple Hello Kitty stickers or by looking as homeless as possible.

Snapple Fact #54: You’re not a US citizen if you don’t have sex with a couple fireworks.

Happy Fourth of July Everybody!!!!!!!

I call this picture: FAB (Future Adult Braces) 

Theres only a little time before Fathers Day is over and I wanted to let everyone know about a couple of my favorite fathers.

Danny Elizabeth Tanner:

He’s got the sex appeal of Catherine Zeta-Jones and smells like the power of Pine-Sol*.

Dwayne Carter:

This wonderful person** is the perfect example of a positive role model not only to his own children, but the children of America.

Happy Fathers Day!!!!!!

*Zoloft

**cough syrup sucking son of a bitch

There’s nothing more American than celebrating one of the most enchanting holidays of the year, Memorial Day. Usually I spend my day putting “I <3 War” bumper stickers on random cars and then head over to my local VFW. At the VFW I grab a stool next to my good friend Corporal Ronald McDonald Jr and a Shirley Temple with extra cherries*. Then he tells me about the time he got in a tickle fight with one of his fellow soldiers and got a dishonorable discharge**. After that we usually argue over politics or how cotton candy shouldn’t taste like baby aspirin and then I fall asleep.

Happy Memorial Day!

*tears

**boner

Dear Taco Bell Manager,

I am writing to tell you how great I am at everything and why YOU should hire me for any top paying position in your office.

Greatest Strengths: I have an eye for detail (I have stalked everyone I know on Facebook… PS I love your Mexico pictures!), I am very efficient when it comes to any task (I literally brush my teeth every single day), I look great in sun dresses.

Greatest Weakness: Upper body strength, stealing.

Languages: Puppy, J-Lo (Spanish).

Inspirational People: David Hasselhoff (great work ethic), Kevin Federline (entrepreneur), Queen Latifah (diversity).

Thank you for your time, and I can’t wait to hear back from your prestigious office ;)