“How Many Goldfish Are Too Many Goldfish?” (Working Title)
Chapter 1: The Day Ryan Broke Up With Me Because
”I Smelled Too Much Like Gasoline”
There comes a time in every attractive, heartburn survivors life when you have to pack it all up and move away to follow your dreams of being a full-time Belieber. If you dont know what a Belieber is then a) you were sold into white slavery a really long time ago and you dont even know what the New York Times or TigerBeat magazine is. b) you’re a puppy.
Listen, I’m as open minded as the next person so I can forgive either one or in some cases I can forgive both (if you’re a puppy and you’re reading this right now I already forgive you, also I’m renaming you Chester). Anyway Chester, I have to move because if I don’t follow my dreams someday I will wake up on the wrong side of 15 and not even know what I’m going to do with the rest of my life or this limited handmade Justin Bieber doll collection.
Now, most people do not think I can move out by myself, they think because of my ailments I wont be able to “hack it” or “survive” or “breath”. Here are some of the conditions that haunt me on a daily basis:
-Unsanitary Anorexia
-Chronic Distracted Eye Contact (CDEC)
-Adolescent Possum Stress
-Seasonal AIDS
-Casual Pregnancies
I know what you’re thinking Chester, “Oh jeez, she’s never going to make it… but at the same time I cant believe how much I can relate to her.” First, Thank you. Second, I get that all the time. I’m going to be just fine, DO NOT EVEN THINK about worrying about me. After my Quinceañera and popping that ole’ hymen out I became a woman. A woman that can take care of herself in this crazy organized world.

Stay tuned for Chapter 2: You Call That Semen?!?









